Spiritual Insecurity

“Stop! Hold it right there. Don’t ask me any more questions. I don’t want to talk about it,” I want to say. “Was the material on the link I sent not completely elucidating? Why do you need to know more…from me?! How about you google and mapquest the nearest Primitive Baptist church and drop in next Sunday? And by the way, would you please not mention predestination, limited atonement, justification, total depravity, sanctification, Romans ##:##, 2 Peter ##:##, John ##:##, Calvinism, Arminianism, what your seminary professor told you last week, what your local pastor thinks, and–heaven forbid–what your parents believe about the subject?”

Perhaps I should explain. I stayed up last night for quite awhile (not good when I need to be warding off this cold before the cruise) thinking and praying because I have become aware of a spiritual insecurity that has overtaken me during the course of this past year: I do not want to discuss doctrine with those who aren’t Primitive Baptists or who aren’t familiar with general PB teachings. Like, I seriously want to run. And while I claim to be a big conflict-avoider, the truth has always been that I’ll stand up to conflict if need be. I’m having problems this time, though.

I need to clarify ”conflict”. I mean disagreements, which can span from mild to harsh. Yes, generally I can “agree to disagree”. Yet I realize that now, after having had such a spiritually-rocky and intense dating relationship, I don’t even want to open the door for potential spiritual disharmony. Instead of seizing an opportunity, I put up an imaginary red light. Stop. Let’s instead discuss Jesus and His perfect love (but not as it applies to John 3:16, please), God’s sovereignty (but let’s hold up on the predestination and election topic), and the practical ways in which Christians should live (minus the talk about missions).

Of course I still believe that “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:” (2 Tim. 3:16). I still very much believe that doctrine is important. I’m not leaning toward biblical relativism, if that’s even a phrase. I just realize that in this process of heart healing, God has shown me a weak spot.

The first paragraph of today’s post may still be a little confusing. In context, it is a glimpse of the thoughts that ran through my head after I received the latest facebook message from this random friend of a friend in Ohio who wants to know more about the Primitive Baptist faith. I thought that I’d get off the hook by deferring him to a couple of FAQ sites, which he said he read. But he wants to know more, and that’s great. When it comes down to it, I know what I will need to do: get out my Bible, pray specifically over certain passages, and try to explain my understandings on the hot-button issues. Living hundreds of miles away and communicating through a non-FtF medium may not be so bad after all.

But really, I do need to pray really hard about this hang-up. I know that God wants me to be a light for Him and to “…be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:” (1 Peter 3:15). I am scared to put myself in a position of vulnerability again, but I must have faith that God will help me overcome this spiritual insecurity.

A Simple Question

First, I’d like to say that I have major psychological sleeping problems, which I will most likely discuss in a future post. For now, though, I’ll say that these problems have to do with what I think are “appropriate” times to go to bed and wake up, which is not by any means a reality or even healthy. Okay, I know I’m being vague here. Let’s just say that because I don’t ever go to bed at a decent hour and because I’m a super light sleeper who wakes up to the sun, I spend week after week incredibly sleep deprived.

It caught up with me today. Read a chapter in John, and then I told myself that I’d take a light, thirty minute nap. I woke up almost two hours later but could’ve slept for a couple more. Hence the reason that I’m posting near 1 a.m. I’m not tired, and it stinks because tomorrow is going to be a busy day for me, but I’ll need a nap at noon. Story of my life. I need to pray about it.

BUT…to the topic of the night. This isn’t going to be a very deep or thought-provoking message, but I have to share it for those of you who, like me, are relational people-pleaser people who sometimes have a hard time dealing with the tension that a slight disagreement or potential problem brings. I speak of experience. Haha, folks, this is profound. Tonight my roommate and I had a little trouble seeing eye to eye on the way in which we are going to split this past month’s electricity bill. This may sound insignificant, but it’s really not for a couple of money-tight college students who come from very different backgrounds, lifestyles, families, etc. etc. Basically, we don’t have too much in common, which is totally okay, but sometimes I wonder to myself, ‘How do I get through to her?’ It’s not that I necessarily had to have MY WAY on the bill decision tonight. I wanted something with which we could both agree and be satisfied, but I thought I had a good argument for my position about how much I was going to pay, and I wanted more than anything to clear the tacit tension without totally giving in.

My family science education just may be starting to pay off in a practical way because I came up with a very good question. It’s common sense, yet I think that if most people were honest with themselves they would admit to jumping to hasty thoughts, words, and/or actions instead of trying to determine the deeper issue in a disagreement. There was definitely a deeper issue that was worrying my roommate tonight, but it probably wouldn’t have surfaced if I hadn’t taken a deep breath and calmly asked this question:

“What are your concerns about this situation?”

As soon as I asked that question, the burden of discussing a tough topic was lifted. And like I said, it was such a simple yet important question to ask. Sometimes I (and people in general) make communication a lot harder than it has to be.

We talked for a little bit about worries she had about me not paying next month’s bill because she thought that I’ll be back in Arkansas and just leave her to take care of it all by herself. A little taken aback that she would question my character, I reassured her that no, I am a very responsible person and have full intentions of paying my part of the bill.

I feel sorry for her because she has some pretty big trust issues that I can’t comprehend because I’ve never really dealt with breaches of trust in my comfortable life. I’m not saying that I’m naive, gullible, or even too trusting with strangers, but I got a chance to practice empathy tonight in understanding the extent of her lack of trust. I think that things are going to be okay between us.

And I just yawned, so that means I’m getting sleepy! Good night (morning), and God bless you all.

EXCITED for Alaska!

Today I realized that I leave for Alaska in a mere two weeks, and I’m ecstatic! I never thought of myself as a traveler, but I’m going to have to be now that I’ve visited Hawaii and will soon be making a trip to the other non-continental state. Now I just need to get to the east coast, the west coast, what I refer to as the “Old South”, and the north. Wow, it sounds like I’ve not seen much of the United States, but in fact I have already lived in five states in my short life.

So that’s one of my life goals: to visit all 50 states in the USA.

What a blessing it is that I have had the opportunity to view different scenes of God’s creation! I hope that my alacrity about my family’s upcoming cruise doesn’t come across as boastful. I am just really looking forward to a fabulous journey.

Eyeblast.tv – A Video Portrait Of Barack Hussein Obama

My brother is to credit for finding this one. It is well worth your time.

 

more about “Eyeblast.tv – A Video Portrait Of Bar…“, posted with vodpod

 

Speak Out!

I am a big fan of dystopian fiction: A Brave New World, 1984, The Handmaid’s Tale, The Giver, Fahrenheit 451, and the last part of A Wrinkle in Time, to name a few. These books have given me what I believe is a healthy skepticism of the government and its power. I’m intrigued by the social psychology studies of peer pressure and succombing to authority, which is why for years I have had a horrified fascination with the Holocaust. Beside me right now is a book by Andrew Goliszek called In the Name of Science, a compilation of several accounts in which humans have been and continue to be guinea pigs (often unknowingly so) in all sorts of unethical biological, physical, and psychological experiments. Like I was telling my mom, this isn’t something that I want to read before I go to sleep because I find the material so disturbing.

On page 116 I found a quote that I think is worth bringing to your attention:

“First they came for the Communists, but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists, but I was neither, so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out. And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me” (by “Martin Niemoeller, a Lutheran minister who lived in Nazi German during its darkest days”).

Something that I think each of us needs to be asking his or herself is, “What, if anything, am I speaking out for?” We cannot become complacent in society and follow the status quo. We must remember Ephesians 6:10-18 and be proactive and intentional Christians.

Here are the words of the first verse of a song that is popular in most Sacred Harp circles:

Farewell, vain world! I’m going home!
My savior smiles and bids me come,
And I don’t care to stay here long!
Sweet angels beckon me away,
To sing God’s praise in endless day,
And I don’t care to stay here long!

I definitely want a Heaven-ward focus in my life, but at the same time I don’t think it is appropriate to take this song, though I love it, to the extreme and neglect my service here. God has kept me on the earth in the here-and-now to be a light for Him. My responsibility is to be an ambassador for Christ, which does not mean shying away from standing up–and speaking out–for Christian values in the governmental arena.

Yes, Yes, I’m Over 18

In a matter of six short days I have received two new temporary library cards–one from the public library and one from the university library–and have been asked the same question twice.

“You are over 18….right?”
And then at the other place, “How old are you? [My response.] Oh good. Just making sure that you are over 18.”

It doesn’t matter how I dress either. Last Friday I had on a nice pair of jeans, sequined flip-flops, and a cute new top. My hair was washed, blow-dryed. Make-up was applied with precision. Today it was jeans, wrinkled t-shirt, and black Old Navy flip-flops. Unwashed hair in a low ponytail with bangs pulled back into bobby pins. Still, they want to know if I’m over 18.

My posture is wonderful when I want it to be, thanks to weekly visits to the chiropractor, and I like to think that I speak articulately when I care about something.

So what’s the deal?

I’m not upset, just amused. Of course I get asked for my ID whenever I order a margarita or whatever, but at this rate, I’ll be flashing the thing long after I’m 30.

E-mail from a Professor

A couple of hours ago I got an e-mail from one of my professors. She was checking up on me, wondering how my research internship is coming along. I thought so much of her little note and am reflecting now on her tremendous aid this past semester in helping me find something worthwhile to do this summer. Although we definitely have some diverging political and social views, I have a respect for this inspiring lady! She really wants me to get my Ph.D., and I’ve thought about it a bit, but whoa. One step at a time. Besides, I’d like a family someday if it’s the LORD’s will, and sometimes the higher degree isn’t compatible with the domestic dream. I’m not ruling out going for my doctorate, but I am willing to just wait on this one and cross that bridge when I get there. Right now my focus is on graduate school. Where?!

Back to the professor subject. I have been blessed to have some of the most motivating teachers leading up to my undergraduate studies and then wonderful professors thereafter. Not all have been so great, but my experience with professors has generally been very positive. Mind you, I have been mindful of the ratings on ratemyprofessors.com. But even among my major and minor classes where I don’t get to choose my instructors, I haven’t had too many duds.

That’s my gratefulness bit for the day.

Prince Caspian and Regina Spektor

I saw Prince Caspian yesterday just because a friend was over. Unlike Baby Mama, I didn’t really have a desire to see the second Chronicles movie in theaters, but now I’m really glad that I did. I look forward to seeing it again in the dollar theater with my sisters. It’s not that I loved the movie or would consider it one of my favorites, but I think that it was made well. I don’t want to write a review here, and I am not going to encourage anyone to go see it. It’s definitely not for young kids due to the violence, which in my opinion should have warranted it a PG-13 rating. However, it was good.

What’s even better, though, is Regina Spektor’s “The Call”, a song at the very end of the movie. It’s really sweet and easy to sing. This video consists purely of images from the movie, so don’t waste your time watching it, but have a listen.